And how we are fighting the patriarchy by asking for help.
It’s 6am. Because of work and travel, a friend’s husband is dropping their 6-year-old off at our house so I can take her to school. My daughter is beyond excited that one of her best friends gets to join us for our morning walk, and I’m excited too.
I’m excited to have friends who drop their kids off at my house, who ask for favors, who know that we are all in this together.
It’s easy for me to jump in and help. The asking for help is where I struggle.
For a long time, I moved through complicated seasons by sheer force. When life and schedules felt hard, I just… kept going. Our culture rewards independence, and I grew up in the 90s when “Girl Power!” was everywhere. The intentions were good: girls can do anything boys can do. But it comes wrapped in a patriarchal idea that needing help is weak and that strength means doing everything alone.
I did love a lot of what I learned to do: I know how to change a tire, drive a stick shift, and do small repairs around the house.
But somewhere along the way, I tangled up self-sufficiency with worthiness.
I started to believe that asking for help meant I was failing at feminism. If I needed someone else’s help, God forbid a man’s help, I felt like I was letting down generations of women and my future children.
What It Means To Be Strong
Thankfully I’ve learned better. Strength is not refusing support. Strength is knowing when to reach out.
It’s allowing other people to participate in your life. It’s trusting that your needs are not a burden. It’s remembering that the world has always been held together by the ordinary, unglamorous acts of care we offer each other.
That is the story I want my kids to learn.
We take care of each other.
Help is not a debt, it’s a bond
I hate when people imply that when you help someone else and feel good about it, you’re somehow being selfish and doing it wrong.
Of course it feels good to help people. It’s not a character flaw, it’s a survival feature.
This is how societies keep going, we take care of one another. And yes, it is okay to want things in return, too. Not in a transactional way that keeps score, but in the way a healthy community stays alive: we give and we receive.
How interdependence fights the patriarchy
A culture shaped by patriarchy tells us to compete, to tough it out, to prove ourselves through independence.
But matriarchal systems, in contrast, tend to prioritize the health of the community as a whole over “survival of the fittest.” That orientation makes room for caregiving, mutual aid, and shared responsibility.
And in my own little life, I can feel the difference between these stories. The story where I grit my teeth and do it all myself. Or the story where I say, “I need help,”someone answers, and I jump in when they need me.
So here’s what I’m doing. I’m getting so much better at asking instead of struggling. I’m practicing receiving help without apology.
Because when my friends ask me for favors, I don’t think less of them.
I think, I’m glad you trust me.
Here’s an invitation:
To see asking for help not as weakness, but as trust.
To see mutual care not as dependence, but as belonging.
To let our kids grow up watching adults who know how to lean on each other.
And to my friends who help with pickups, always have a bandaid ready to go, feed my children when they want nothing to do with the snacks I brought, sit with them when they are having a meltdown, force me to come over for dinner when it’s been a long week, help me think through all my business ideas, and help with random errands, I appreciate you so much.
And if you want to read more on this topic, All About Love by bell hooks (or any of her books) are always a great place to land.
